By the way, on the subject of Newsweek: is there an “I don’t have f***ing kids” edition that I could subscribe to? Lately, I open my mailbox on Tuesdays and it’s like I got added to the Parents magazine mailing list. It’s like getting the local 5:00 newscast delivered to my door. I feel like Karen Foss should be in the bottom corner of the cover with a word balloon that says “Radon!!! Tonight at 10!!! Where the News Comes First!!!”

What? What?? A f***ing towheaded cherub eating an apple? Was Palestine given statehood to celebrate the capture of Osama bin Laden while I was asleep? Do we not have 100,000 servicemen in the Middle East right now? What the f*** is this, two weeks after a cover story on friggin’ juvenile autism? This is the third week in a goddamned row that Newsweek has had cute kids on the cover. Even the 9/11 cover had mommies and babies on it.

Do you know what’s a threat to my child’s health and safety? Me not having any because I don’t want to put a preschooler through a dirty bomb attack. Maybe that should spend some time on the cover of a newsmagazine in 2003. Also a threat to child welfare?: shrapnel. Oh, but that’s not a threat to my child’s health and safety, just the kids whose arms we’re blowing off. The foreigner children.

Seriously: if a six year old is gonna be on the cover of Newsweek, he should be bleeding from the head. Stop trying to trick middle aged women out of $3 and show me something important. If this is what I wanted, I’d be watching Oprah or Dateline.