For those of you keeping score at home, I wanted to take a moment to log a personal record for posterity. Between Christmas Eve and Saturday- a period during which I did not feel inclined to stop driving or unwrapping (but mostly driving) long enough to check my email- I received 493 pieces of correspondence, […]

The sun is setting on 2003, and that can only mean it’s recap time. Let us begin with those few, precious moments I spent in 2003 sitting in the dark and being quiet….
As I look back on the year and struggle desperately to remember what I did with it, one of the easiest ways for […]

As an adoptee, I have often railed against the folly of identifying yourself too strongly with your “heritage.” I contend that you talk with your hands not because you are Italian, but because you are a spaz. You have never even met anyone who’s been to Ireland; don’t blame an entire nation alien to you […]

The Secretary of Agriculture assures me that the cow catching Mad Cow Disease is not, I repeat not terrorist related.
Whew!
“But see, think of it this way. Our mad cow screening program caught this cow. So, really, this is good news. If you think about it. Right?” (nervous laughter, melting into uncontrollable sobs)
I’m glad I didn’t […]

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a four-day weekend!
(”How long has Santa had a lamppost for a spine?” I don’t know, Virginia. I don’t know.)

My most recent SIDKY: What exactly does the word “funky” mean, anyway?

I notice on the right side of the screen that our national Terror Alert Level has risen from Bert to Ernie over the course of the last few days. All morning yesterday, KWMU kept telling me that part of the morning traffic was caused by the fact that the road to the airport was “closed.”
Hearing […]

Apparently, the Post-Dispatch’s editorial cartoonist quit this week after being asked to change one of his drawings to something more “balanced.” This article does an interesting job breaking down the elements of the situation while failing to mention the fact that the guy’s cartoons were terrible. When I want to get smacked in the face, […]

Garfield the Fucking Movie. I hereby apologize for the snarky stuff I was about to say about Lord of the Rings.
I would really, really, really like to take the time to do an exhaustive entry in which I review 2003 in a somewhat introspective and not-monosyllabic fashion. That time is not now, but hopefully in […]

Saddam Gets Taken Down Like an Old Calendar; Pockets Stuffed Full of WMD, Osama

I couldn’t decide whether to put this in St. Louis or what the hell?:
DATING, NOT DEBATING: None other than Bill Haas, would-be St. Louis Public School board reformer, Yale and Harvard Law School grad and prolific e-mailer, has the inside track to write a dating advice column for the Riverfront Times. Haas has pitched a […]

Gracias, opinionjournal.com:
The Canadian Broadcast Corp. reports from Montreal that “the federal and provincial governments have contributed close to $700,000 for a series of studies at McGill University in which a psychiatry professor is offering people $500 to use cocaine.”
But Canada takes a less tolerant approach to some other substances, reports Canadian Television: “According to the […]

If you remember me from high school at all, it’s probably because of our yearbook. Not because I was in it at all, but because I feared it. You see, each year our yearbook would accompany seniors’ pictures with a list of every organization to which they had belonged during their four years. At the […]

For what it’s worth, John Lee Malvo is a way better artist than I was at 17.
And, I guess, marksman.
Though if I were on trial for shooting a bunch of people, I’m not sure I’d be drawing dozens of pictures of my enemies in crosshairs. So I guess I have that going for me. A […]

In response to an Infrequently Asked Question: yes, I did recently go to my 10-year high school reunion.
In short, it was lame.
In long:
My parents are thirty years my senior. Each of them received invitations to their 40-year reunions over the summer. At the time, I asked both of them if they were going; both said […]