You know, I think CNN is just playing up this “votes to be counted, lawsuits to be filed” angle because they don’t want to admit that they worked so hard on such a boring-ass election. I’m becoming annoyed with myself for paying so much attention.
Yeah… it’s late. I’m gonna go ahead and call this one:

Four [...]

Wait a second: CNN is a lot less certain about this Bush thing. Everybody at NBC is ready for bed, and CNN’s brewing another pot o’ joe.
Thanks for nothing, 2000!
Officials predicted a turnout of 117.5 million to 121 million people, the most ever and rivaling the 1960 election in the percentage of eligible voters going [...]

Warm, soft, cinnamony bread with little pieces of mushed bananas in it. Genius.
Boy, Iowa is quite the horse race. Kerry might still take it, and then he’ll only lose by fifty electoral votes. So at least his feelings won’t be hurt.
But… the Redskins lost! And Nickelodeon’s online poll gave it to Kerry! Nickelodeon has been [...]

My God, Cherry Coke is delicious. Even Diet Cherry Coke.
I’m going to go for it. I’m going to finish off the banana bread.
I think the fourth hour of election coverage is going to be the one that breaks me.
The people have spoken: no one is allowed to charge me for the new goddamned Cardinals stadium [...]

Bush ahead by 2 million votes with 70% reporting. Gephardt’s replacement is a Democrat… and another Carnahan! He and his sister both won, just using the one name between them. At least he was a state rep first. For about fifteen minutes. One day, he even showed up to vote.
On the other hand, if his [...]

NBC asked people what the most important issue influencing their vote was. Most of them answered that it was their “moral values.” I have about six snappy responses to that information, but mostly I’m thinking, “Who the hell is out there thinking their morals aren’t their primary consideration? And what do they think is?”
20% of [...]

NBC sez:
Oregon! Kerry takes Oregon! 7 more electoral votes! 206 to 207! We have parity! We have parity! Brokaw’s breathing into a paper bag!
Except NBC hasn’t given anyone Florida yet. Oops. I wonder if they’re holding off just to make the race sound more exciting than it is.
Now this feels like watching the seventh game [...]

You know, the American people just do not want the boys to marry other boys. Say whatever you want about that, but it freaks them out and they just don’t like it. They will get very excited about gay marriage and raise funds and run big campaigns against gay marriage and vote to ban it [...]

Ohhh nighty night, Florida! Jeb gets invited to Thanksgiving this year.
Now Kerry must win Ohio, or George Stephanopoulos on ABC warns that the earth will dislodge itself from the heavens and hurtle through space into the very sun.
This is these guys’ one chance a year to be exciting to anyone. You’ve gotta give it to [...]

The weather report?
The weather report?
Channel 5, are you f***ing kidding me?
What about the postseason Cardinals? No more stories about the postseason Cardinals? I have a window.

Did Catherine Hanaway just concede? Rock on. I hate Catherine Hanaway past the point of reason. Finally, we can have a Secretary of State who… is the daughter of a qualified candidate… who died many years ago. And really has only her family on her resume.
Well… super.
I find that when I look at the ballot, [...]

The Daily Show is like a soothing balm.
Bush leads by 2,000,000 votes with 34% of precincts reporting. To a certain extent, I almost don’t care who wins the presidency if it’s a slam dunk. That way, no matter what happens in the next four years, I can at least think, “Yeah… we deserved that.”
Remember when [...]

I feel like I’m watching the World Series, the Superbowl, and the Oscars while taking my Russian final.

I am coming to you live from Democracy Freedom History Plaza Center, also known as a friend’s apartment. We have four TVs and six laptops set up, one of which is blessedly equipped with Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas.
Missouri:
54-45 Bush!
51-49 Kerry!
50-50!!!
Why am I doing this to myself?
What is wrong with me?

Though I have no chipper “I Just Voted!” sticker to ward off campaign volunteers like a vampire garlic necklace, I am proud to say that at 2:15 p.m. I became Captain Elementary’s 985th voter of the day.
(My polling place is a grade school unfortunately named after a Mr. Ralph Captain. Every time I get my [...]