Deep breaths, everyone! Rest easy. In case you haven’t heard somehow already, Pope Benedict XVI has emergency speed-beatified John Paul II. The ever-weakening requirements for becoming a saint normally begin with a 5-year waiting period to make sure that the people calling for sainthood aren’t just caught up in the passions of the moment, but in this case WE NEED JOHN PAUL TO BE A SAINT RIGHT THIS MOMENT WE LOVE HIM! JOHN PAUL FOREVER! JOHN PAUL NOW WHILE WE’RE ALL STILL EXCITED ABOUT HIM WOOOOOO!

Seriously, five years is too long to wait. Five years from now, John Paul II might be significantly less holy. We want to get him in before heaven meets its quotas. Plus, if he doesn’t get his beatification papers in by the end of the month, it affects his property taxes. Apparently.

The moral of this story is that the Catholic Church is not a democracy. It is a church built on solid principles that are constant and unyielding unless ignoring them is very, very popular right now.