You understand, we have a magical mystery dungeon in Cuba where we take people. We don’t charge them with anything; we just sorta hang onto ‘em for a while. Maybe a month; maybe a couple a’ years; let’s see where the day takes us. We don’t intentionally destroy their most sacred religious symbols to get them to talk, but accidents do happen. Sleep deprivation and dogs? Oh, constantly. And chains. You could barely call it a dungeon without the chains.

Some people say dungeons aren’t great, but you know what? Cost of doing business, my friend.

So help me God, though, you better not set that cloth on fire. That patch of fabric says something about America. Burn that cloth, and you degrade the very things this nation stands for. We need that symbol to represent our ideals, since none of our behavior does.

What’s interesting about this vote every time it comes up is that I’m never closer to burning a flag than after I hear about it. I smile in spite of myself at the thought that, if this amendment were to pass, Iranians would finally have a freedom that I don’t.