I do not especially remember Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. To a certain extent, that can be attributed to the fact that I read it over the 4th of July weekend while visiting the Wisconsin Dells, a trip that also included everything from fireworks to ice cream-covered funnel cakes to rides on WWII amphibious landing craft to a three-hour oddysey through the House on the Rock. Awash in all that, much of which felt like actual sorcery as the weekend progressed, it would have been hard for even a book twice as heavy to keep up in my hippocampus.
For the most part, though, I simply found the book to be sour, unpleasant, and best left behind me. No matter how much you’re enthralled by the larger story, it’s hard to be engaged by a book when the main character hates being in it and can’t stand to see anyone else enjoying it either. (”Everyone at Hogwarts was laughing and sharing their ice cream cones, but how could Harry laugh? After all that had happened to him, the most popular boy in the world who was right about everything all along, how could poor Harry ever smile again? All he could think about was turning their ice cream cones into pus-filled boils. He went up to the Gryffindor dorm and put on a Cure record while his enchanted Morrisey poster moped on the wall.”)
Compared to that, book six was almost great. It got a little wobbly in the end, though.
Not because of the death. I couldn’t care less, probably because I’ve heard a bit too much about phoenixes (phoenices?) in this series where he’s concerned. Feathers of them, Orders of them… anyway, even if that character’s death does stick he was always a cipher, all enigmatic and taciturn in a way that does me no good as a reader. And we know Yoda has to die for Luke to face Vader. I hope Joseph Campbell is getting royalties.
No, the thing that gets under my skin is the Snape thing again. I’ve calmed down with time and convinced myself the series could still end in a way that satisfies me, but during the first read-through I was so annoyed I almost renounced the series.
Professor Snape is my favorite character in the Harry Potter series. To understand why, one must appreciate some overlooked but fundamental truths about Our Hero. Because, look, here’s the thing: Harry Potter is a cheater. Harry Potter is a total, unrepentant liar. Harry Potter’s dad was a total a-hole. Harry and Ron never pass up a chance to copy someone else’s homework or make Hermione write their papers for them. Harry will literally steal the teacher’s edition of the textbook, disguise it, lie about having it, and then stash it someplace he’s not supposed to know about, and expect everyone to be okay with that. Harry Potter will make himself invisible and hide in your room to listen to your private conversation. Harry Potter will steal your car, and he will crash it. Harry Potter will never even try to compensate you. Harry Potter is a sociopath.
Harry Potter will kiss a dementor before he ever follows a rule. He will break that curfew. He will go wander the grounds in the dark. He will march right into that Forbidden Forest with a pic-a-nic basket, how d’ya like them apples? Unhappy with the current school administration, he will train teenagers to form a small insurgent army and break into a government building to steal classified documents. What the f*** does he care? He’s Harry Potter.
Above all this, however, Harry Potter will make his mind up about you in about twenty seconds, and 85% of the time he will decide you are a pinhead. After that, buddy, God have mercy on your soul, because Harry Potter is watching you on his stolen spy map. Soundproof your keyhole; he is out there in the hall, possibly disguised as one of your friends who he has clubbed unconscious and stashed in a bathroom (it’s okay! He’s Harry Potter!) and he is going to get you. And if he’s a student in your class, well, hope ya like smartass remarks undermining you and constant attempts to get you fired. Never does he say, “Maybe it’s for the best the adults won’t tell me what’s going on,” or “maybe I should leave this to someone with more than 18 months of training.” Pinheads! All of them!
He never learns anything, in class or out, and he never pays for it because he was always Right All Along. God is literally on his side. J.K. Rowling likes him a lot more than I do, so the universe keeps rewarding Harry and his friends for everything they do wrong.
The more suspicion points to Snape, the more I silently pray that this once, this one very important time, Harry gets served.
“Boy,” Harry said, “that seven-year grudge turned out to be an irrational waste of everyone’s time. I wish I could do that differently. I owe a lot of people apologies.”
Though it has been pointed out to me that the hero is often my least favorite character (SEE ALSO: Vampire Slayer, Buffy the) I did not always harbor this grudge. Harry and the gang were 11 years old once. When you’re eleven, sure, you’re new to the world of responsibility and in over your head and not the clearest thinker. When a twelve year old steals a car because he’s going to be late for school, it’s alarming stupidity but you can at least see how it happened. I mean, they were making him live under the stairs six months ago. He’s got some things to figure out.
But once you get to be 16, 17, maybe you don’t aim the curse at Draco without even knowing what it does. Maybe you stick to the cute “lift him up by the ankle” one, or learn three words of Latin. “That sounds like it might mean ‘cut forever.’ I’d better turn his pants into flowers or something instead.”
I am still Dumbledore’s man to the end, in a readership sense, because Harry only became a complete douchebag gradually, and now I’m genuinely enthralled by what’s happening in his world despite the fact that it’s his world. Yes, I do wish Hermione and Neville and Luna would just freeze him and take over the book, but I also keep looking forward to the day he has an epiphany, learns from his Hogwarts experience, settles down and starts treating me right. I also have The Phantom Menace on DVD. I have it coming.