When Superman Returns opens June 30 in wide release, the film is also going to be shown on IMAX screens, with 20 minutes of the action converted into 3-D.

Are you excited about the new Superman movie?

Is anyone excited about a new Superman movie? Anywhere?

How? How is that possible? Does Superman seriously have fans in 2006 A.D.? I’ve logged some pretty substantial time hanging around comic book shops in my day, and I have yet to meet this person. The t-shirts seem to be selling pretty well, but I wonder if the people who gave this moviea bigger budget than the Marshall Plan gave any more thought to it than, “If they love that logo, they’ll love a movie about a guy with that logo on him.”

When I am reminded of the Superman movie, I imagine pitching the Superman character today in a world where he’d never existed.

“I have a great idea for a superhero. He came to earth from another planet that exploded, which will be great for helping the reader/viewer to not be able to identify with him or relate to him at all.”

“What powers does he have? All of them. How’s that for a twist? He has every super power you can think of. That’s why he has no limitations. None. His skin is unbreakable, he can outrun bullets, and he never ages. His only weakness is exposure to fragments of his home planet; luckily for his foes, his planet blew up in such a way that 90% of its fragments traveled through space directly behind him and landed in the continental United States. He has no other vulnerability, though, so it is never in doubt even for a moment that he will triumph. That way, the viewer will never be bothered by wondering what will happen next and can devote his/her attention to feeling sorry for the villain for finding himself on Superman’s bad side. (Oh, by the way, the superhero’s name is ‘Superman.’ I came up with that myself.)”

“The kicker? Superman is the best person who has ever lived. He is always right, he always knows exactly what to do, and he is always able to do it without help from anyone else in about a minute. (If he needs to reverse time and bring someone back to life, he can, but that might take as many as two minutes.) By making him pure, morally certain in every situation, devoutly patriotic to a country on someone else’s planet, and unstoppable in every way, we can successfully eliminate the conflict and drama that so often bog down today’s storytelling. Mostly, he’ll spend each issue chasing people who could never outrun him and punching people he could crush like Dixie cups, but that’s okay because anyone who would oppose this ungoverned living weapon is obviously a power-mad sociopath.”

Would you spend $300 million on that guy?

The only explanation I can think of is some kind of “Superman is America” zeitgeist thing. We take comfort in thinking about a red, white and blue entity that is at once all-powerful and harmless. That being-right-all-the-time thing sure would be nice, too.