Local scientists are putting their brains to good use at Washington University: devising a “dipstick” that can be used like a coffee pregnancy test, detecting on the fly how much caffeine is in your beverage. Such a tool will be invaluable for you paranoid types who think the waiter is poisoning your much-needed decaf. I hope that once this challenge is met, Wash U will get to work devising a test that puts an end to, “I think they brought me Diet. Does this taste like Diet to you? I think this might be Diet. Try this and tell me if you think this is Diet.” There’ll be a little strip that you can dip into the glass, and a minute later will materialize in blue letters, “NO, IT’S NOT F***ING DIET. IT’S JUST A LITTLE FLAT. WILL IT KILL YOU? WILL IT KILL YOU TO DRINK IT?”

Not that I have any related pet peeves or anything.

I would have just read the article to myself, thought “that’s nice,” and moved on with my day, but it contains my favorite semi-quote of the week.

The Washington University study “reinforces what we’ve said many times” — that camel antibodies “have a bright future.”

I imagine a biologist who has been trying for years to work camel antibodies into every dinner party conversation until eventually the invitations just stopped coming. After being quoted, he waits all week to see the article in print; he cuts it out and affixes the highlighted clipping to the fridge, where his wife sees it and thinks, “Christ, there’ll be no living with him now.”