I went to the comic book store on my lunch break and picked up Marvel’s “Civil War” #2, which I’ve been waiting for since before #1 came out. (The first issue is always just set-up, and this book was talked about– and hence set up– so thoroughly in the press before its debut that reading the first issue was almost unnecessary.) I read it before even leaving the store, and well, the douchebags have done it again: I am torn between camping outside the store for #3 and never wanting to read another printed page again as long as I live. As Joss Whedon used to say, “You can’t give the audience what they want; you have to give them what they need,” and as I always used to say, “F*** you, Joss Whedon, there was no non-hack reason to kill that character.”

I am incredibly glad I devoured the book, since when I returned to my desk the Associated Press online was completely ruining the ending with a big ol’ “Top News” headline. While I never thought I would live to see the day that New Comics Wednesday would be the AP’s top headline for the day, on general principle I still want to go over to the AP in a mask concealing my identity and BIF! POW! BAM! a few people’s heads. I mean, Jesus Christ; I don’t get an hour to actually buy the friggin’ book before you ruin the ending? Now I know how all those people who tape “Survivor” feel.

It’s interesting (to me) that two opposing phenomena seem to be dawning simultaneously, namely the Tivo and the insta-spoiler. Just as the technology to never again watch a show as it airs gains acceptance, so too does watching it immediately and talking about it on the goddamn radio as if everyone on earth has already seen it. The culture seems to be adopting and negating the technology at the same time. The internet can barely wait to wreck every existing surprise; when you open your browser, you can almost hear the world’s a-holes collectively panting from the effort of waddling over to their keyboards as fast as they can to destroy the “Sopranos” finale. Last year Entertainment Weekly spent 25 consecutive weeks talking about Tivos and Tivoing and the glorious future of time-shifted video, and then two days after the first character on “Lost” died they put him on the cover under the banner, “Look Who Totally Died On Yesterday’s Episode!” They don’t read their own magazine. I suppose I can’t blame them.

The key to happiness is clearly something all the posers at your high school knew years ago: never like anything popular. If watching the show does not involve the occasional participation in a petition or letter-writing campaign to keep it on the air, steer clear.