On Saturday, I walked into Michael’s Bar & Grill with my cell phone to my ear and approached the hostess’ stand, a look of serene patience on my face.

“How many in your party?” asked the hostess.

I looked up at her, bothered by the distraction from my call but still serene. “I’ll be with you in just a minute.”

The hostess looked at me, puzzled by being asked to wait in her capacity as someone who asks people to wait. She was uncertain as to how to proceed from here. After a moment, she tentatively asked, “Do you want me to put your name down for a table, or…?”

Silently, I lifted my index finger up to my lips, which were mouthing, “Just one second.”

Screw this guy, she thought. Looking for some more productive way to use her time, she noticed the blinking hold light on the restaurant phone and picked it up.

“Michael’s,” she said.

“Hi,” I said on the other end of the phone. “I called to place a dinner order for pick-up about fifteen minutes ago. I was on my way out the door to run some errands, and I figured if I placed my order first it would be just about ready for me by the time I got there to pick it up. Someone at your establishment put me on hold when I called, put me on hold for so long that I actually drove all the way to the restaurant without anyone even trying to talk to me again. It didn’t end up saving me a whole lot of time. Performance vis-a-vis customer service could maybe use some fine tuning. I have to say, you don’t even look that busy.”

She looked up from the phone at me. I waved. “Ooh,” I said into the phone, having made eye contact with her, “could I put you on hold for one second?”

Lowering the phone from my ear, I approached the hostess’ stand again. “Hi,” I said, “Could I place a to-go order?”

This story was prevented from being nonfiction by the presence of my wife, who is generally kinder to strangers than I am, cannot bear to watch me make people suffer, and has probably saved me from death at the hands of another no fewer than 30 times since we met. I did stay on the phone the entire time we were in the restaurant, however, and no one ever picked up the phone again. Even after she told them they had me on hold.