“Jingle Bells” is not a Christmas song. It is not even a song about bells. It is a sleighing song, which is widely regarded as the only thing dumber than actual sleighing.
I am not trying to deny royalties to the writers of “Baby It’s Cold Outside,” “Frosty the Snowman,” or “Winter Wonderland” (well, maybe “Winter Wonderland” a little) but I feel it’s important during this season of festivity and generosity to reflect on just how many Christmas songs have f***-all to do with Christmas. No Santa, no Jesus, no mistletoe. Not even any nog. Just a song about riding around in a giant horse-drawn sled, and how much fun that is.
How much fun does that sound like? How likely is it that anyone doing that in 2006 would be laughing all the way, oh ho ho, as opposed to remarking all the way, “This is ridiculous,” “how did anyone even think this up as a mode of transportation,” or “Holy Christ, this brakeless horse-drawn contraption will kill us all”?
I would also contend that even in 1857 the constant ringing of bells attached to a horse’s bobbed tail would only make spirits bright for about a minute and a half before sending you running off the back of the sled, o’er the fields, but I’m not prepared to make a big deal about it. What I do find insidious is that “Jingle Bells’” lyrics contain an ad for themselves. “Oh, what fun it is to sing a sleighing song… and we just happen to be doing that right now!”
(Are sleighing songs a genre? Were sleighing songs the 1850s equivalent of surf rock? I can think of two.)
Only working together can we hope to stamp out “Jingle Bells” in our lifetime. According to a recent study by the International Christmastime Jolliness Institute, 47% of all people who think they hate Christmas actually just hate that song.
December 12th, 2006 at 11:45 pm
Baby Its Cold Outside! The Date Rape Christmas Song!
I really should go.
Baby, it’s cold out side.
The answer is no!
Uh uh, baby. It’s cold outside.
That song sends shivers down my spine.
December 13th, 2006 at 9:36 am
Well, I think you have to appreciate that, in 1857, there wasn’t as much fun stuff - so they had to make what they had fun, like sleigh rides and those pioneer toys made from a circle of wood and some string. So, jingle bells may be less of an exercise in the actual fun of sleighing, and more of an exercise in cognitive dissonance. Although, I was on a sleigh hayride once, in Colorado. It was fun, especially when the driver (conductor?) used gasoline to get a fire going during a break. Nonetheless, a car is a big improvement on a day-to-day basis. Reserve the sleigh (and related carriage) for special trips and wedding pictures.
December 13th, 2006 at 1:59 pm
Also worth serious consideration: what was the genesis behind the mean-spirited Batman and Robin parody lyrics for “Jingle Bells”? (You’ll recall in this version that Batman smells bad, Robin does something impolite, and the Batmobile breaks down, leading to the the Joker’s escape… not what I want to think about with regards to either the Dark Knight or Christmas.)
I suspect the malevolent imaginations of some Marvel Comics staffers forced to work through the holidays at work here.
December 13th, 2006 at 2:57 pm
Jim, if you’re looking for a good remedy to all that stuffy Christmas music I would have to recommend my new favorite Christmas CD Bootsy Collins - Christmas is 4 Ever.
It’s the kind of CD that will send everyone that loves tradition holiday songs screaming from the room.
My personal favorite? WinterFunkyLand
December 23rd, 2006 at 2:49 am
In the last few years, someone at ClearChannel decided this shit is a Christmas song now, which is great because I needed one more thing to make me want to kill myself during the holidays. The lyrics only tell half the tale; the music really sells the “mistletoe is poisonous, you say?” vibe at work. Go preview it at iTunes if it doesn’t sound familiar, but do not pay for it.
December 29th, 2006 at 5:07 pm
I am late to this party but what the heck….
Ken, even more sudder inducing lyrics from baby its cold outside are:
(baby its bad out there)
say.. whats in this drink
i outta say NO! NO! NO!
(mind if i move in close?)
I mean really, wtf.
on my christmas playlist this year was boymongoose (tube it) because every ethnicity needs to have a winkwink nod nod 12 days of christmas.