Hey!

How’s it going?

I’ll be with you in a couple of days. I think the post-holiday doldrums hit me about 10 hours early.

Every year, I try to send out a homemade e-card/faux holiday newsletter to my nearest and dearest. This year, after seeing some of the actual newsletters and cards I got from people, I thought it would be funny (if only to me) to send one out that was incredibly elaborate, with an ornate letterhead full of clipart that dominated half the page, and then write,

Dearest Family, Friends, and Loved Ones Everywhere,

Basically nothing happened in 2006.

It was awesome.

Warmest Personal Regards,

‘Skis.

But then I actually experienced Christmas, and by the time I got home I was all, “Guhhh. Maybe next year. Remember not to do nuthin’ in ‘07 so it’ll still be funny.” I have no idea what happened; Christmas was great; I think I must have caught mono or something.

I’ll leave you with this: I have a cousin, Jack, who is six years old. He’s actually my cousin’s son, but all that “second cousin once removed” bullshit, if I tried to remember it, would crowd something more important out of my brain and nobody would know what I was talking about anyway. Jack has the most personality of anyone on this side of the family; his other cousins, and I don’t think I’m exaggerating here, are date rapists waiting for puberty, but Jack is a sweet kid who has the kind of eccentricity that will either make him the most popular kid in school or a stamp collector. I imagine he and I will be talking about comic book continuity in a few Christmases. He says things that make adults ask, “What movie/show did he get that from?” that come from no movie or show at all, but rather from his crazy crack head. My wife asked him what he wanted for Christmas this year, and he said, “A speedboat.”

We are landlocked, you understand.

Jack’s aunt told us a story about him on Christmas Eve. Apparently, he went with his mom to the chiropractor recently. As they waited, a chiropractor walked by on his way to see another… patient? Client? Whatever. Upon seeing him, the six year old said, “Hey, doc? Whaddya say I hop up on this table and you give me a massaaagge?” Maybe it was the roast beast, but I thought that was the funniest goddamned thing I had ever heard.

For reference: this is Jack.

Merry Christmas!