When I was a young man, my dentist expressed concern that I seemed to be grinding my teeth while I slept. I had no way of knowing whether or not this was actually happening (you see, I was asleep) but as a kid who put a lot of stress on his own shoulders I found it all too plausible.

I understand a lot of people combat this problem by putting on some kind of mouth-straitjacket before bed, as if they might fight Tyson while they slept. I never did this, but I gather at some point my subconscious decided to prevent the problem of tooth-nubs by inserting my tongue into the grinding. I say “I gather” only because, every once in a while, I find myself waking up three times a night going, “Gah! Muggafuffah!” and spending the whole next day feeling like I licked a barbed wire fence.

This is shaping up to be one of those weeks. This is gonna be a tongue grinder.