Well, we are nearing the halfway point of my wife’s pregnancy now, and I think I’m just about ready.
Oh, I know. “You can’t ever be ready.” That’s what They say. Let’s be honest, though: how often are They right about anything? Really? Everyone tells you that parenthood is a constant state of fretting, hypochondria, projecting an air of calm reassurance, and sleeplessness. If this is true, I have been training for parenthood for most of my adult life.
There is one area, though, in which I am completely deficient: if I am going to be a good role model and shape young minds, I am going to need to learn and practice some profanity substitutes in a big hurry. And the usual ones aren’t going to cut it, either. “Shoot” and “darn” are not going to get it done. When someone cuts me off on the highway and I almost crash, I will never get to a place where I reflexively say “shoot.” I don’t want to; I’m not an old lady.
Though she would deny it, my mom’s approach to this problem was always to let the bad word slip out and then say, “That’s a bad word; don’t ever say that.” This was obviously tremendously helpful. Dad had a full regiment of fake swears, but they’re his and I don’t want to sound like him. He’s a big fan of “oh, nuts.” I’m not from the forties, so that’s not in the cards.
As I see it, I have two solid options.
1) Super-villain: “Curses! Blast you, you dratted fools! You nearly ran me off the benighted road!”
2) Full-on Yosemite Sam: “Razzle frazzin’ razzafrazz, dagnabbit!”
I’m leaning towards 1). The child’s vocabulary will turn out much better that way.
Any suggestions from existing parents who have already had to become more upstanding citizens would be greatly appreciated. I like “drat!” a lot; “rats!” is growing on me; I am a big fan of “clown” and its sister word, “bozo.” Beyond that, I have nothin’.
May 2nd, 2007 at 7:39 am
Well, from a still-new parent….we’re 15 months in now and we’re still golden…hell, we listened to the song “America, F&*% Yeah” from Team America the other day with the kids in the room. So, my profane friend, looks like you got plenty of time to kick your habit.
But now that you mention it….perhaps I should come up with gameplan….ahhh, f-it. Heh.
May 2nd, 2007 at 9:13 am
I prefer swears in other languages.
And of course there’s the fine use of British colloquialisms. Bugger and Smeghead were (and still are) some of my favourites.
You could always go with the made up words. I like pinner and barr to represent small minded and denied.
Or, if you really, really wanted to dork out, you go with fewments (i.e., dragon droppings).
Check it out for all kinds of animal poo words:
http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a1_287b.html
May 2nd, 2007 at 10:43 am
I completely forgot about foreign language swearing! Genius. Russian has some great ones, too. If my preschooler got mad and exclaimed “Chort vozmee!” (“may the devil take you!”) I could absolutely live with that.
I have a feeling that in ten or eleven years, the Stockmann kids’ friends will often talk about their household in awe when they’re not around. “…and then he just turns to his dad and he’s like, ‘Dad, what the f***? Jesus f***ing Christ, Dad!’ I thought I was going to witness a murder, but his old man didn’t even blink.”
May 2nd, 2007 at 10:49 am
I think you should use the swear words in front of your kids. It is better they learn it from you than from some punk on the street.
May 2nd, 2007 at 2:29 pm
Well, you could do what I do and self-censor. It still cracks my wife up when the f and k come out of my mouth but the core of the word is mysteriously absent.
Or, you could watch more Firefly and pick up my favorite words of gorram, rutting, and hump (and learn a couple of Chinese curses while you’re at it).
May 3rd, 2007 at 7:38 am
Hahaha — yeah….I see it too Jim.
Firefly curses is a great idea…maybe you could just use Frak too…I mean if BS:G can get away with all those versions of frak, why can’t you???
May 3rd, 2007 at 8:58 am
I don’t know. Substituting Sci-Fi curse words may not be the best either. After all, do you want your little one to show up at school and automatically utter these words when something goes wrong? They’ll be ostracized. I still cringe when I hear the word frak. Though an adult, even I would quickly ridicule any child that used it. Before you know it, they’ll be playing alone in the basement, taping a wiffle ball bat and a shoe box together, and telling you that they were modifying the polarity enhancers on the tachyon beams to increase the hyperpolax matrix dampening field.
I like your mom’s approach, it teaches the word, the appropiate context, but also states that it isn’t socially appropiate (in most situations?). That way, your child grows up knowing the society’s actual curse words, eventually adopting them in his/her own speech as an adult, and, presumably, knowing the difference between when to use it (and when not to – like at job interviews and when you are around). Then, like you, he/she will someday have his/her own children and get to face a similar question. But, if he/she goes around saying frak with the wiffle ball bat thing – you’ll just have a 30 year-old living in your basement.
May 3rd, 2007 at 9:12 am
I’ve always been partial to “fiddlesticks.”
(See also the Encyclopedia of Childhood and Adolescence.)
May 3rd, 2007 at 10:44 am
Personally, I’m a fan of “buffoon”. It still conveys the appropriate amount of disdain for the jackass who cuts you of, and might be a little more effective…it’s like he’s not even worth the trouble of getting yourself worked up to a real cuss word. “Dad-gum” is also a favorite. Sounds a little backwater, but in a “ain’t I cute?” sort of way. Not that it really matters. Aunt Joan is not only going to teach littleski all the bad words, I am also preparing a box labelled “hideously noisy toys we’ve confiscated from Sarah.” And we’re just patiently waiting through the second half of your pregnancy. He he he.
May 3rd, 2007 at 3:14 pm
Hmm…. I would think, in Kansas City, you would need a special word just to denote the poor driving skills of others. Otherwise, all other profanity would cease to have any meaning through constant overuse.
May 8th, 2007 at 1:43 am
Fiddlesticks is pretty choice. My wife tells a story of how the closest her father ever came to cursing was bellowing “BLAST!!”. And that was it. Everybody laughed because it was so out of character for him.
I also like gorram.
You can also just start making up your own by stringing non-sequiturs together. If you say them with enough conviction, you’ll get the point across.
“Motherless donkey doughnut”
“Sweet moonpie on a biscuit”
“Pumpkin chucker”
May 9th, 2007 at 9:48 am
My two favorite “curses” that I took to using during my stint working at church were the classic “For the love of Pete” and “Son of a motherless goat”.
And if you’re going the route of creating your own phrases, I recommend the use of alliteration. Calling someone a “Brine Brained Bruiser” has a great ring. And for a single angry word, you can use nearly any single syllable word that ends with the hard K sound. Ark, Crock, Fork, Work, and Yak are some of my favorites.
May 9th, 2007 at 12:55 pm
Oh, crock! I think we have a new frontrunner. I also think this is the most popular post I have ever done.