“181 things you need to know now”

NOT PICTURED ON THE COVER: a thing that happened in the news this week

Problem: things keep happening, and you don’t have time to keep up with them all. More to the point, things that seem like a big deal on Tuesday turn out not to be worth a good goddamn by Thursday, meaning reading about said things would have been a monumental waste of your time.

Solution: a magazine could be printed once a week that just f***ing told you the news that happened that turned out to be important or meaningful.

Exact opposite of solution: a magazine could be printed once a week that assumed you were reading the “news” five times every single day. It would provide detailed analysis of the stories you didn’t read, along with content that was 65% health news because only aging Boomers buy magazines. On one hand, it would tell you nothing, but on the other hand it would cost you money and make you want to punch a wall.

Grrrrrr.

My current position on electoral politics is pretty similar. “Who do you like in ‘08?” “Well…! There are currently 24 people running between the two parties. By the time I can cast a vote in the Missouri primary, roughly 4 will remain, and my opinion about the other 20 will have been rendered completely moot by some old women in New Hampshire 6 months prior. So here’s what I’m going to do: 1) not care at all 2) rename every debate night ‘Playstation Monday,’ because I am utterly powerless and impotent.’” I admit that I am secretly a bit concerned about the overall outcome, of course, because (not to be outdone by Alec Baldwin’s nakedly ridiculous threat to move to Canada) I did publicly declare that a McCain vs. Clinton race would prompt me to kill myself. And God help me, America, I want to live.