1988: Hard Drives

“So, let me get this straight: in order to play the game, you have to sit here and load a copy of the entire disk onto this ‘drive’ before you can do anything with it? Um… yeah. Good luck with that. My computer has 256k of RAM; all I have to do to play a game is put in the disk and go. You have bought a lemon here, my friend.”

1991: Gerardo

“Oh my God, Mark, you have to get in here; you will not believe what they’re showing on Video Jukebox right now! There’s this shirtless guy doing the lamest rap I’ve seen since that one they did for Dragnet. Bahaha! ‘Rico… Suuuuave’!! Ohhh, if I laugh any harder I am going to throw up. Ach! Mariachi guys! My God, was this locally produced for public access? We have to cherish this moment, Mark. This is the most ridiculous thing that has ever been captured on film, and we are the only people we know who will ever see or hear it. I’m almost embarrassed for them, thinking this was something they should release to the public. We should tape this, or we’ll never be able to convince our friends it existed. It will certainly not be a top ten hit for several weeks later this year.”

1994: Friends

“Get a load of this, now. Yeesh. TV just gets more and more derivative every year. A bunch of single friends palling around in New York between their apartments and their favorite coffee shop? How much more obviously could this show rip off Seinfeld? A successful show is like blood in the water for these hacks– oh my God, was that a monkey? Okay, twelve seconds of this was enough. Sorry, NBC; if you can’t be bothered to name it, we can’t be bothered to watch it. Enjoy your thirteen episodes before being replaced by an episode of Dateline. Better luck next pilot season, girlfriend from Family Ties.”

2003: Ang Lee’s Hulk

“Well, the movie didn’t light my world on fire, but did you see how Lee would put multiple angles of a scene on the screen at one time, in panels, just like a comic? That was a real innovation, my friend. No matter how well this movie does– and I think it ought to do pretty well– a year from now, you’re going to see that technique in every movie that comes out. In five years, we won’t be able to remember a movie that was done without it.”